Hi everyone, this is my first story in about three years of joining this site, i'm 16 now so quite alot older from when i joined. This is a very short story i recently wrote and hopefully one of many to come as i have some ideas for others, thanks for the review :D (i havn't written in a while so may be quite rusty, and this was written in about an hour so forgive any mistakes)
Change... is the way of the universe. Naturally, matter is very conservative, seeking only to stay the same, to stick to the theactrical script or 'laws' of nature in its longed life. A photon travels at the speed of light and no faster, while anything with a mass can't to even hope to travel that fast. Natural change does ensue under the script of physics, stars die as they choke to death as their sustinance, hydrogen, is used up after a billion years of shortsighted gorging on such a common delicacy in the cosmos. The star destroys itself under its own massive weight, the gas from its heart flung out into space to eventually form new stars and galaxies.
Atoms, molecules, speed and structures; waste and wonder, abide by the 'plan' of the writers of the script of nature.
But one day, on an un-extraordinary planet orbiting one of many stars, in one of mant galaxies; something different happens.
Sakki
That is what the creature called himself. He was so unusual and unlike anything that had come before that his most interesting trait was that of his normality. If one were to glace over him, he would bear every resembelance to an average young male in his species. He had short brown fur, four limbs, a long tail and intelligent eyes. Sakki he though again as he jumped from tree to tree, a trick learned by his ancestors that had survived through insinct from the predators down below in the thickness of the undergrowth. As he kept on swinging from treetop to top he suddenly stopped as the branched thinned and he reached the edge of his universe, the jungle.
Normally, none of his species dared to go this far away from the family boundaries of the jungle, but this was not the first time Sakki had come here, and Sakki was in no ways normal.
He cared not for conservatism and unwillingless to change that seemed to spread throughout the forest like a rotting tree trunk.
He felt a thrill as he looked out into the unexplored regions of the endless sands of the desert, bound together like waves in a lake. Sakki jumped down, and standing on his hind legs bent over and picked up a handful of sand in his hand. His great ambittions of conquering the sands could never be achieved he thought. Everything in this world and his insinct seemed to supress him. In his anger and frustration his threw the sand into the air and looked up to see them falling to the ground.
It was then he noticed it. The script of normality for just a second had been thrown out and there above him, lay a site only for the gods, the shining crystals thrown across the black inky masses of night sky. Sakki suddenly felt free, and knew then the destiny of him and his species, and standing tall again he asked the question that none had dared to ask before.
What?
And with that, a new age had begun.
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"Change... is the way of the universe"
Get rid of the "..." Just make it, "Change is the way of the universe." A simple statement.
"while anything with a mass can't to even hope to travel that fast"
Get rid of the first to. It should be, "while anything with a mass can't even hope to travel that fast."
"If one were to glace over him, he would bear every resembelance to an average young male in his species"
Should this be "If one were to GLANCE over him"?
"he suddenly stopped as the branched thinned"
Should be "as the BRANCH thinned."
"lay a site only for the gods"
Should be, "lay a site for the Gods"
An interesting story, though I confused exactly what it is about or what gave you the idea to write it? I enjoy the way it is written, and I like how you took your time leading into the story with the introduction about the universe. I am not good with science, so I did get lost pretty quickly though, lol
I look forward to reading your next work!
Fair number of spelling errors:
Delecacy= delicacy
Unextrodonary= un-extraordinary. (Why not say ordinary?)
Gorgeing = gorging.
mant= many
anscestors = ancestors
insinct = instinct
undergowth = undergrowth
Strange grammar:
"In his anger and frustration his threw the sand into the air and looked up to see them falling to the ground."
Should be "he."
"He had short brown fur, four limbs, a long tail but intelligent eyes."
The use of 'but' indicates a contradiction. 'And' fits in much better. "He had short brown fur, four limbs, a long tail, and intelligent eyes." Also, does this mean that the character is a monkey? You never actually mentioned the species or the planet for that matter.
It seems like you're trying to over-dramatize this story and it really doesn't need it. The events need to speak for themselves. Consider this short sequence, which contained no dialogue or monologue, but remains one of the more powerful pieces of storytelling ever done.
Hi!
Ok, so I haven't reviewed anything for months and I might be kind of out of practice, but I found this story interesting so I'm having a go.
I really like what you've done with the structure here, with the description of the universe, and then homing in on one specific planet. It's quite effective at introducing the story, and whatever momentous change is going to come in future chapters.
However, I feel like some of the metaphors you've used are quite confusing and it's hard to tell what exactly you're getting at, since they contractict each other a lot. For example,
"Change... is the way of the universe. Naturally, matter is very conservative"
In this entire first paragraph, it seems like you're trying to suggest two opposing ideas at the same time. You suggest that nature is bound by strict laws and is predetermined, following a "script", then talk about stars dying and being transformed into something new. Having both these ideas going on simultaniously confuses the message.
"He cared not for conservatism and unwillingless to change that seemed to vibrate throughout the forest like a rotting tree trunk."
This simile doesn't really work for me. The rotting tree trunk image is a good way of conveying the negative effects of the stagnation going on, but the "vibrate" kind of confuses things, since trees don't vibrate, and vibration suggests energy and movement and aliveness. Maybe some other word like "sit" or "seep" more fitting with dead trees would be better.
And then at the end there's "The script of normality for just a second had been thrown out". I think you need more clarity thematically in this story - is this new discovery of the main character breaking the rules which have always existed? Or is it this also part of the natural order of things?
It's a really cool idea, that an individual questions "the 'plan' of the writers of the script of nature" but I can't tell whether Sakki is following his destiny or going against destiny. Both would be awesome plots, but you can't do both at the same time.
So, basically, I would suggest going through and deciding what ideas and themes you really want to get across in this first chapter, and then editing so that your descriptions fit these ideas better.
I hope this review doesn't sound too negative, because I really do like this story and I think it does a great job of setting the scene and introducing the MC. Feel free to PM me to discuss stuff and I hope you write more!